How to beat bullying

By Melissa Desousa, The Kingston Whig Standard

One afternoon 10 years ago, Mike Neuts’ life changed forever.

On Feb. 6, 1998, Neuts’ son, Myles, was found unconscious, hanging from a coat hook in a washroom stall at his school in Chatham. Six days later, he was removed from life support after doctors told the Neuts family that Myles was brain dead.

He was a victim of bullying, arising from a $10 bet he had won.

For the last nine years, Mike Neuts has worked tirelessly, dedicating his life preventing bullying.

Yesterday, he stood before an audience of parents and students at the Ongwanada Resource Centre as he relived every detail of that tragic day in an effort to make people understand the dangers of bullying and the tragedy to which it can lead.

His story brought tears to people’s eyes as he fought back his own.

“Who are you? A bully, a bystander or a victim?” Neuts asked.

He explained that anyone can be a bully, but that it usually stems from jealousy, some insecurity or because they are seeking attention.

Neuts said bullies think their actions make them more powerful, especially when they have an audience.

He also described how bystanders are just as bad as bullies if they can do something to stop it, but don’t.

Bullies are found everywhere, he said. “Bullying happens from the cradle to the grave, from day care to seniors’ homes.”

Although he believes that media, television, video games and music all contribute to bullying, he also made it clear that those are also excuses for parents who aren’t paying attention. His advice is to ensure that parents communicate with their children.

“Pay attention to your kids. Hug them, hold them and engage them in conversation,” he said.

He says parents and teachers need to restore children’s faith and confidence by making sure they understand it is safe to report what’s happening.

He says bullying can be prevented by recognizing that it is taking place, refusing to allow it and reporting it.

He suggests not allowing a computer or television in children’s rooms so they are forced to be around other people and cannot withdraw.

“We need to encourage young children especially to stand up and talk to us about what is going on,” he said. “We need to get them past the idea that telling is snitching.”

School shootings often stem from bullying and cyberbullying, he said, adding that a study last year found that every 10 seconds a child is bullied.

Neuts described the term bullycide, which is a term that describes victims of bullies who commit suicide as a result of the torment.

Neuts repeatedly urged parents to pay attention and look for signs that their child is either a victim or a bully. He warned parents to watch how they act because their children will mimic their actions.

“If you get a phone call from a teacher telling you that your child is being a bully, do not ignore it. Talk to your child. You can stop it,” he said.

Neuts called on politicians to do more about preventing bullying.

“We spend a ton of money on extracting natural resources such as oil and gold because there is an immediate return on that investment,” he said.

“Youth are our natural resource. The reward will come in the form of fewer violent people in the future.”

In 2005, Neuts and his wife started the Make Children Better Now Foundation, a non-profit charitable organization. The acronym MCBN are also their dead son’s initials: Myles Casey Benson Neuts.

The foundation is dedicated to the lives of children and its dream catcher logo symbolizes the necklace that Myles was wearing on that fateful day.

A coroner’s inquest following Myles’s death led to 24 recommendations, 13 of which are listed on the foundation’s website, www.makechildrenbetternow.com.

Among the recommendations was one urging school boards to remove hooks from washrooms in elementary schools and that washroom doors be propped open so that teachers can see if something inappropriate is happening.

Students should also be informed of the dangers of horseplay at the beginning of the school year, as should their parents.

“We need to … promote respect for differences and encourage positive bystander behaviour in order to reduce the number of victims,” Neuts said.

“If I have them talking, then I have them thinking about it.”

Neuts says it doesn’t get any easier each time he tells Myles’s story. He has to make an effort to hold back his emotions because he doesn’t want people to get distracted and miss the message he is trying to deliver.

“Children don’t go to school to die,” Neuts said. “Those words are attached to me for the rest of my life.”